


The Journal of Mister Spock: A dictation.

by Tarvok



Series: Hello World [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Blindness, Disabled Character, Epistolary, Gen, Life Experience, M/M, Paraplegia, Psychic Abilities, Slight AU of the AOS, Vulcan mental illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-11
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-04 07:59:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1078500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarvok/pseuds/Tarvok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The journal entries of Mister Spock after Jim wakes from his coma. A continuation of the Dear... series: When they brought Jim back, they thought it would be easy. They were wrong. A story of living and loving with lasting disability, and the effect this has on all involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation between Spock and Dr. Jar.

Hello World  
The Journal of Mister Spock: A dictation.

By Tarvok

Rating: Varied. M/M, Gen. Character study. Nu!Trek.

 

_Would you like to start, Spock?_

When you are ready, Doctor.

_Very well. When did you notice your mental control failing you?_

Approximately one thousand seventy seven point five days.

_So it's been about three and half years then. Has Sarek known it for that long?_

Negative. I did not find it prudent to inform him at all.

_But he had to have figured it out after a while. This is not exactly unprecedented._

I am aware of that. I did not wish to trouble him.

_Spock, he's your dad. He loves you. I doubt he would've been troubled by it to the point of not being able to help you._

He cannot help me. No one can help me. I will be this way for the foreseeable future.

_Why would you say that?_

The predominant effect of a dissolving bond between two Vulcan lifemates is the subsequent insanity of both Vulcan partners. In my case, the Vulcan partner is myself.

_I don't detect insanity in you, Spock._

Whether our definitions of it differ or not, Doctor, this does not alter the fact. My brain has been physically altered, regardless.

_Do you feel that you're going insane?_

I have not **felt** anything. I have been insane for four hundred sixty three point nine days. In approximately two hours, this will be four hundred sixty four days.

_What is your definition of insanity, Spock?_

A marked inability to organise my general thought processes, utilise my emotional control, and a severe lack of logical inductive and deductive reasoning.

_Basically, what you're calling insanity is a normal Human reaction to extreme stress, Spock._

I am not Human.

_You are part Human, Spock. You have warred with this your whole life... what makes you think you wouldn't now?_

I do not understand what my Human side has to do with this. I have already informed you, Doctor, of the physical state of my metathalamus.

_Hmm... Let me put it this way, Spock. Even a Vulcan like your father would have no small amount of trouble dealing with all of this. I'm sure he didn't just meditate away his feelings for your mother after her death._

I do not wish to speak of her.

_I know. Avoiding your feelings of grief, Spock, whether for Amanda or for Jim, is not going to serve you in the long run. It's unhealthy. You can't keep your emotions bottled up, even if your brain is not the same anymore._

Emotional expression is not difficult for me. It is as if my logic has failed me.

 _And you live your life based on logic. How logical is it to deny your feelings at a time when they are clearly a problem._

Explain.

_You have Jim back. Spock. You have him back, and you haven't said one word to him since he woke up. You're deathly afraid of losing it when you do finally say something. You could lose him as it is, just by not speaking to...._

We are finished, Doctor.

….

_For now. I'm not going to push you, Spock, but you need to think of Jim._

I have only ever thought of Jim! You do not understand. He is all I have thought of for the past two thousand twelve point four five days. Who are you to say that you understand?

_I do. Better than you realise. Let me rephrase. You must think of the both of you. Of your life together, Spock. I know you are angry and afraid and blaming yourself, but if you will just let me..._

Leave. We are finished.

_Very well. You know where to find me if you need me. If you'll admit to it, that..._

**Go.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock knows something.

My emotional control has failed me once again today. I sat with Taxhana to observe James while he was sleeping. She made an observation that I did not agree with, and it happened again. She made the assumption that this is a new ability for him, and did not equate it with me. It appears that her Betazoid telepathy is useless on me while I am Jim's presence, and that she is unaware of this. She is acting much the same as Dr. Jolik while in his presence. It is most illogical. He is a patient, like all other patients.

I did not correct her. Perhaps it is dishonest of me to allow them to believe it is Jim. I found myself unable to speak yet again this morning.

Leonard is aware of my altered metathalamus, as is Taxhana. She believes it is a temporary thing, though my father has informed her otherwise. She believes now that Jim is awake, I will heal. It is not unheard of for one partner to heal a _negligible_ amount if the incapacitated partner recovers... this she cites to me frequently. She knows nothing of the Vulcan mind.

She does not understand. My grandfather, Skon, underwent this as well, well into his elder years. I know what to expect. Jim's newfound sensitivity is an, as of yet, unknown variable. My emotional outbursts are well hidden from the Household, and beyond my father, no one is aware of them. I feel calm, empty, near James. Then these... events occur.

Her hope is illogical. My condition will not improve.

Leonard has sent for Healer Skaron to remain here with me during his retirement. My father wishes for me to not inform Taxhana or Jim of my situation, to tell them both that he is here for Sarek. Jim will not believe this, and I will not tell him a lie.

I will tell Jim the truth when I am ready.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonard helps Spock with his journal.

I sat with James today.

….

….

….

He smiled at me. I felt...

…. warmth for the first time in a long time.

….

He laughed at some...

….

...thing he saw by the window. I did not see it. I am...

...uncertain what he sees. Leonard says he can see fuzzy gray shapes.

I want to know what he sees.

….

….

What my...

….

...Jim sees.

….

….

….

….

….

_...vocalisation01 recording timed out._

_You did great, Hun. We'll pick it up again tomorrow if you like. Let's go see your pa and then take Jim his lunch, ok? I think he'd like some pizza today. We'll even get you some with extra cheddar._

Ok.

_Let's go._


	4. Chapter 4

Journal Entry Log One

 

This is Spock. I have been given the opportunity to use the letter-device on my PADD to translate Golic Vulcan to Federation Standard language in order to record my thoughts.

This is a test to ascertain the usefulness of such a thing, as pertains to my medical progress.

I am no longer able to converse beyond the written word; only then, in Golic Vulcan. I am unable to process the spoken word as well, though whether this is a result of deafness or a result of loss of full sensory integration is uncertain.

I shall continue this log at a later time.

Spock out.


End file.
